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emergency preparedness 12/13/2010
Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing
boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel
operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an
emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife,
"Please take the wheel, Dear. Pretend that I am having
a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and
dock it."
So she drove the boat to ...
2 Comments, 60 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
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ill hold the olives 12/13/2010
A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking
it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass
jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing.
After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was
full of olives, he staggered out. "Well, " said a customer, "I never saw
anything as peculiar as that!" "What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender
said. ...
1 Comments, 54 Views,
4 Votes
,2.08 Score
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why take the chance 12/13/2010
Gary receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's
death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or
burnt.
He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body
and bury the ashes."
2 Comments, 58 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
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ten things universaly understood by men about women 12/13/2010
TOP TEN THINGS THAT MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
2 Comments, 182 Views,
14 Votes
,1.06 Score
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lil green monster 12/13/2010
Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie, "
she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that
my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
"I don't believe it for one minute !" Marie
snapped."You're just saying that to make me
jealous !!!"
3 Comments, 73 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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just play me a tune... 12/13/2010
A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife
in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his
free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied
and sent the best one she could find, along with several
dozen lesson & music books.
Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front
door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here...
let me look ...
2 Comments, 58 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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it pays to spend more time at home.... 12/13/2010
The husband, tired of a listless sex life came right out
and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come
you never tell me when you have an orgasm ?" She looked him rite in the eye and said, "You're
never home !"
2 Comments, 105 Views,
9 Votes
,3.21 Score
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poor larry 12/13/2010
Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called
the insurance company ...
Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I
want my money. Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't
work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you
with a new one of comparable worth. Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy
on my husband.
2 Comments, 79 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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set your clock ahead 12/13/2010
One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost
killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock
always was slow."
2 Comments, 48 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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wedding surprise !!! 12/13/2010
(this was passed along to me as a true story, i can not vouch
for its validity) This is a true story about a recent wedding
that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding
with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception,
the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk
to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone ...
3 Comments, 176 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
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4 kinds of sex 12/13/2010
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over
the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you
only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many
years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK
YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her ...
2 Comments, 71 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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more married life 12/13/2010
A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had
curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp
on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached
over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this
only for a very short while then stopped and went back to
reading his book.
The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The
husband was ...
2 Comments, 91 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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couples and oral sex.... 12/13/2010
Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six
hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy.
The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly,
Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter!
Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?"
Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti!
Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter ...
2 Comments, 109 Views,
6 Votes
,2.80 Score
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40 years of marriage... 12/13/2010
A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first
got married the man said, "I am putting a box under
the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all
their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity
got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and ...
3 Comments, 227 Views,
14 Votes
,2.18 Score
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marriage consuling.... 12/13/2010
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant
arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way
to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been
at each other's throats for some time and felt that
this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the
counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the ...
2 Comments, 53 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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unusual dreams... 12/13/2010
A wife woke up from her night's sleep and began recounting
her dream to her husband. "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks in this place, "she
began, "the big ones went for a tenner and the thick
ones went for 20."
"How about the ones like mine?" asked her husband.
"Those they gave away, " she replied tongue
in cheek.
"I had a dream too, " started the husband. "I
dreamt they ...
3 Comments, 76 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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devotion 12/13/2010
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of
a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside
every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for
her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You
know what? You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business
failed, you ...
2 Comments, 66 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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another 40 years of marriage... 12/13/2010
An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking
in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches
over and slaps his wife.
She says, "Well what was that for?"
He says, "Thats for 40 years of rotten sex!"
She doesn't reply and they start rocking again.
All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.
He says, ...
2 Comments, 67 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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cant please em all.... 12/13/2010
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor
condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the
railing. "Damn, that was stupid, " she thought
as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing
caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked,
"Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he ...
2 Comments, 69 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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play me a tune.... 12/13/2010
A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was
going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island
in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he
began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.
"My love, " he wrote, "we are going to
be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting
to miss you and there's really not much to do here in
the ...
2 Comments, 54 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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MARRIAGE 12/13/2010
1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
2. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music
is over, the strings are attached.
3. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage
is an institution for the blind.
4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's
Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
5. ...
2 Comments, 41 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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Q&A 12/13/2010
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals
1 Comments, 53 Views,
0 Votes
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poor frank 12/13/2010
On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak
to the minister. "Would it be right, " he asked, "for
a person to profit from the mistakes of another?" "Absolutely not!" replied the pastor. "In that case, " said the young man, "I
wonder if you'd consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife
and me last July."
1 Comments, 67 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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men and wine..... 12/13/2010
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep
them in the dark until they mature into something you'd
want to have dinner with.
2 Comments, 195 Views,
11 Votes
,4.29 Score
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tech support 12/13/2010
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting
modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that
had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband
1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed
undesirable programs ...
1 Comments, 57 Views,
0 Votes
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a poem 12/13/2010
A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole And he didn't like my cake. He said my biscuits were too hard .. Not like his mother used to make. I didn't perk the coffee right He didn't like the stew, I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do. I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue. Then I whirled and smacked him shitless ... Like his mother used to do.
2 Comments, 58 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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say what you mean... 12/13/2010
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws
the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds,
then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this
a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife
is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You ...
2 Comments, 73 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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you can be the man of your house... 12/13/2010
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
'You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.'
He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this
house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve
me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to ...
2 Comments, 187 Views,
10 Votes
,3.78 Score
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hearing test 12/6/2010
One day Boudreau went to the doctor to get a check up. Boudreau
says to the doctor, “Mais you know something doc ... my
wife Clotile, she’s having trouble wit her hearing.”
De doc say, “Well Boudreau, how bad is it?”
“Mais doc I don’t know how bad it really is but she don’t
seem to hear me at all. Whats de best way to find out how bad
her hearing is?”
...
1 Comments, 62 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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used parrot 12/3/2010
Mary decided to surprise her husband Boudreau with a parrot
for his birthday. At the local pet store, the one parrot
available was priced at $29.95.
“Why so inexpensive?” she asked the pet store owner.
“Well, he used to live in a house of and sometimes
says vulgar things.”
Since Boudreau’s birthday was the next day, she went
ahead and bought the bird. ...
3 Comments, 93 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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